Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
