my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
