I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
