I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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