I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
please don't ironically join a cult
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