remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
