ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
