Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
