whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
