K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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