Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
