Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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