I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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