How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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