I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm determined to sit on that face.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
