i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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