Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude i'm inner monologue high
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
