Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
