Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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