He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
