I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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