Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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