I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
