Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
