I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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