i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
