Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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