You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
