Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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