My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
