My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
