It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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