I'm drive I can fine osifer
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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