So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You smell like a Billy Joel song
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
