It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
