he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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