This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
