Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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