I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
