she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
