Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
