shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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