I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
