Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
