He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
