He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
