My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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