Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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