You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
