Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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