I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
