I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
