some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
