oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
