mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
