You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
