How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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