I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
