I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
