I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
