worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
