Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
