i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
